Kamjah .. The Chronicles

Contribution by: Maura Marquez M.A. Drama Therapy and Yoga Instructor, facilitator of Divine Play Workshops. For more info please “friend” her on Facebook.

We often find ourselves in a relationship because we are attracted and like being around another person. It usually is a very organic and spontaneous energetic thrill, but more often than not, once the hormones and newness of the relationship have ended, we find ourselves struggling with our new significant other. Maybe he or she says something that pushes your buttons after a long day at work or he or she forgets to do the dishes like they promised. Whatever the cause, you find yourself questioning the relationship and the person you “fell” for.

This feeling of unsatisfaction is completely normal. We need to embrace these moments. They help us grow in our relationships with people not just our significant others. We need to look within in these moments and tap into our anger and sadness. Sometimes, the true cause of our anger is not our partner’s action but something much deeper rooted in our past. If we do not stop to look at these feelings and go deeper within, we miss out on a huge opportunity to learn more about ourselves and our partner. Relationships are mirrors for us, which we must constantly look at to grow from. Our partner presents that opportunity for us. The challenge is to be able to look at the mirror in a neutral way without our past baggage.

What we seem to fail to understand is that we all come into a relationship with different pairs of lenses. These lenses skew our reality and the mirror in front of us, because they carry all our past relationships, history with our family, culture and all the traumas and triumphs of our lives. We each come to the plate with a lot of ideas of what and how we should be in a relationship. More often than not, your significant other has had a completely different experience than yours. Hence, it is the blind leading the blind literally. From this perspective, it is a miracle that any relationship is able to last at all.

In order to be in a successful relationship with your partner, it will require work from both of you, if you are not ready to work at a relationship, then perhaps you are not ready to be in one. The work begins by you. It is important that you look within and see your lenses, recognize your healthy and poor habits in a relationship. Encourage your partner to do the same and talk about it. It is important that you do not take anything personally. All our actions, especially in a relationship with someone we are sexually active with are extremely loaded with anchors and triggers of our past hurts. We are naturally going to be protective of ourselves and sometimes even defensive. We need to move away from the negativity of our past, and be open to new ideas and new ways of being with our partner.

So, the next time your partner frustrates you, and does something hurtful, make sure you:

1. Take a moment and tap into the feeling you are feeling. Do not allow the feeling to control you. Embrace the emotion

2. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: Why am I really feeling ______.

3. Think of times you have felt this before. I.e. maybe you were made to feel this way before in the past or in your childhood.

4. See your partner without your lenses for a moment as a human being doing the best he/she can in this moment. A human being who is connected to you and cares about you deeply.

5. Now, communicate to your partner what you are feeling. Make sure to come from a safe and positive space so they don’t get defensive. i.e. “You know when you didn’t do the dishes I felt ____________.”

6. Allow him/her to work with you on letting go of this feeling. * Once you speak the emotion, it no longer controls you, you can let it go.

7. Visualize the feeling leaving your body floating away- allow balance back inside

8. Talk with your partner on ways he/she can support you when you feel this way.

9. Identify actions with your partner that may trigger this feeling again and work with your partner to avoid these actions when possible.

Important Note:

Now, let me be clear, you never want to stay in an abusive relationship, no matter what the history with your partner; there is no excuse for physical and emotional abuse. People who abuse are not ready to be in a relationship, they have not looked at their lenses. They don’t know how to be in a relationship, they only know how to dominate and control. If you are constantly feeling angry or sad in a relationship then there may be deeper issues here that need to be explored by a professional.

Guest Contribution from my good friend and professional colleague: Maura Marquez  - MA in Drama Therapy

“I had a choice in my life, to either love or hate, and I am glad I chose love”. This was spoken by one of the Slumdog Millionaire Oscar winners on last Sunday night and it really gave birth to this blog about LOVE. Lately, I have been learning a lot about love. What is love? Love in our most traditional sense is a feeling that is supposed to be felt by one being to another, the dictionary defines Love as: affection, devotion, it means a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person.

But from a spiritual perspective, love is more than a feeling reciprocated to another.

It is an endless well of positive energy that dwells inside us. We can tap into this endless source by going within to find it. The love that is unconditional that loves us, no matter what and that never goes away from us comes from within. If we are able to tap into this well of love we can heal ourselves, love others freely and unite ourselves with a higher potential.

To love everyone and everything the same, is freeing. The best way to empower yourself is to accept putting the love for your self first. It allows room for you to forgive and let go. Love is a mirror into our own soul. It is a mirror into each and every one of us. We are all united by it. I am so saddened when I see so many people stuck in relationships because they need to feel ‘love” this is not love, this is co-dependency. It is a craving for affection, a void they a filling up, like a junkie on heroine. Real love, does not need another to feel it, it is already inside us. Healthy love, is only reflected back to us by our partner.

To tap in:

1. Find a quiet and safe place to sit and close your eyes.

2. Take some deep breaths through your nostrils.

3. Try visualizing your heart place. See your heart.

4. Next see the light within your heart. You can choose to portray this as a candle flame or just a simple ray of light. Once you see this light, feel the love that emanates inside you through this light. See all you love, not just people but things like the ocean or a favorite pet. Let it shine.

5. Next send it to out to the world. Send the light to all the parts of you that needs this love.

6. Try visualizing the light of love covering your fears, your anxieties, your child within, your creative thoughts, and finally finish by covering your whole self with this light.

7. Remember you can tap into your love by using this exercise, the next time you feel anxious, alone or sad.

This type of love is free and accessible at all times within you. Best yet, it is not dependent on any other being but yourself. Use it to reflect love to others, to nature and most of all to yourself. Trust me, as human beings we are dependent on loving others but we can chose to love in a freer and more independent way that is less toxic and more from a balanced place. Use love to grow the lotus inside your heart. Once you can tap in, you will come back for more and you will never be “lonely” anymore.

* Make all your actions from a place of love, in not looking for love in a partner, you will actually find it, by first finding it in yourself. The universe will recognize your love energy and it will put it out there and attract the love you need to be reflected back at you when you are ready. You cannot go out and look for love from the outside, it must come from within.

Here are two of my favorite quotes on love to reflect on:

“Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it’s clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truely a practice.” (Shambhala Sun March 2006 by Thich Nhat Hahn)

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction”. (Antoine)

~ Maura Marquez