Kamjah .. The Chronicles

Contribution by: Maura Marquez M.A. Drama Therapy and Yoga Instructor, facilitator of Divine Play Workshops. For more info please “friend” her on Facebook.

We often find ourselves in a relationship because we are attracted and like being around another person. It usually is a very organic and spontaneous energetic thrill, but more often than not, once the hormones and newness of the relationship have ended, we find ourselves struggling with our new significant other. Maybe he or she says something that pushes your buttons after a long day at work or he or she forgets to do the dishes like they promised. Whatever the cause, you find yourself questioning the relationship and the person you “fell” for.

This feeling of unsatisfaction is completely normal. We need to embrace these moments. They help us grow in our relationships with people not just our significant others. We need to look within in these moments and tap into our anger and sadness. Sometimes, the true cause of our anger is not our partner’s action but something much deeper rooted in our past. If we do not stop to look at these feelings and go deeper within, we miss out on a huge opportunity to learn more about ourselves and our partner. Relationships are mirrors for us, which we must constantly look at to grow from. Our partner presents that opportunity for us. The challenge is to be able to look at the mirror in a neutral way without our past baggage.

What we seem to fail to understand is that we all come into a relationship with different pairs of lenses. These lenses skew our reality and the mirror in front of us, because they carry all our past relationships, history with our family, culture and all the traumas and triumphs of our lives. We each come to the plate with a lot of ideas of what and how we should be in a relationship. More often than not, your significant other has had a completely different experience than yours. Hence, it is the blind leading the blind literally. From this perspective, it is a miracle that any relationship is able to last at all.

In order to be in a successful relationship with your partner, it will require work from both of you, if you are not ready to work at a relationship, then perhaps you are not ready to be in one. The work begins by you. It is important that you look within and see your lenses, recognize your healthy and poor habits in a relationship. Encourage your partner to do the same and talk about it. It is important that you do not take anything personally. All our actions, especially in a relationship with someone we are sexually active with are extremely loaded with anchors and triggers of our past hurts. We are naturally going to be protective of ourselves and sometimes even defensive. We need to move away from the negativity of our past, and be open to new ideas and new ways of being with our partner.

So, the next time your partner frustrates you, and does something hurtful, make sure you:

1. Take a moment and tap into the feeling you are feeling. Do not allow the feeling to control you. Embrace the emotion

2. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: Why am I really feeling ______.

3. Think of times you have felt this before. I.e. maybe you were made to feel this way before in the past or in your childhood.

4. See your partner without your lenses for a moment as a human being doing the best he/she can in this moment. A human being who is connected to you and cares about you deeply.

5. Now, communicate to your partner what you are feeling. Make sure to come from a safe and positive space so they don’t get defensive. i.e. “You know when you didn’t do the dishes I felt ____________.”

6. Allow him/her to work with you on letting go of this feeling. * Once you speak the emotion, it no longer controls you, you can let it go.

7. Visualize the feeling leaving your body floating away- allow balance back inside

8. Talk with your partner on ways he/she can support you when you feel this way.

9. Identify actions with your partner that may trigger this feeling again and work with your partner to avoid these actions when possible.

Important Note:

Now, let me be clear, you never want to stay in an abusive relationship, no matter what the history with your partner; there is no excuse for physical and emotional abuse. People who abuse are not ready to be in a relationship, they have not looked at their lenses. They don’t know how to be in a relationship, they only know how to dominate and control. If you are constantly feeling angry or sad in a relationship then there may be deeper issues here that need to be explored by a professional.

Do you ever find yourself feeling stressed, unhappy or like something is missing? Perhaps you find yourself doing what many busy professionals do to manage those feelings and latch onto the unhealthy habits of turning to alcohol and the night club scene to wind down from the day’s turmoil.

Drinking and going out all the time can appear like the answer, lets admit it together, going out at night can be fun. Loud music, beautiful people, perceptions of exclusivity and importance, the possibility of a once in a life time chance encounter, the playing on wits, etc.. Yes, the list goes on and on… If you have been there then you understand and know all too well what I’m talking about and how seductive that side of life can be.

As seductive as it can be, it can also be as equally destructive. It’s easy to become attached and addicted to the scene, and with out conscious awareness, you replace your real life experiences for the temporary fleeting rushes the night life serves up. When moving through life in that direction people often find themselves less focused on themselves (the inside), and more more focused on the outside (other people, appearance, approval seeking behavior). I know some of you are probably saying ‘what?!”.. I go out 5 nights a week and that is not me, I go out because I like to, and it’s fun.’.. sure, but the money you spend on clothes to look good, the time you spend getting ready, and the emotional and physical energy you commit to the night often outweigh any potential benefit that may await. When you really think about it, you might find yourself agreeing.

Now what? It comes down to having the courage to take an honest look at yourself and figure out if your lifestyle is either serving you or sabotaging you. Discover what it is that you are truly seeking and looking for through living this lifestyle. Could you be really reaching out for: the approval of others, love, a need to be seen, or perhaps a way to feel validated? For a lot of people they think they go out to be social and for fun, that is at least what the conscious mind is telling them. The real story is that it goes deeper then that and if you are willing to explore yourself for a minute then here is an exercise to help wake you up to what is truly important to you.

I want you to take out a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. Got it? Ok, now I want you to draw a horizontal line across the top. Congratulations, you just created what we call a “T” graph. On the left write “Needs” and on the right - write “Night Life”.

Note that for this article we are focusing on those drawn to the night life so my examples will be framed within that context. Note this is a life coaching tool that you can use to analyze any aspect of your life to find out if something is serving you or not.

Under your ‘Needs’ , list you five primary needs in life. For example they may be:

1. To be respected
2. To be loved
3. To be understood
4. To be needed
5. To be valued

Understand? This isn’t rocket science you know and don’t copy my example either unless it truly reflects you.

Now on the ‘Night Life’ side attach a YES or NO to each need listed on the left.

The way to go about this is to ask yourself: “Does going out all the time give me respect?…Does going out all the time make me loved?…” You get it, so do it for each one.

If you answered NO then that means your needs are NOT being met, thus you are preventing yourself from achieving real happiness.

For the quick one’s reading this here is a fast example:

Ex. (need) To be Respected ——– (night life) NO

As for all the “YES’s” you write down ask yourself “are they fleeting, or lasting”. If they are lasting then great, and if they are fleeting then it’s time to reevaluate why you commit resources and energy to going out.

At this point I want you to close your eyes and remember a time and place when you felt comfortable, safe and secure. Remember where you were, and what you were wearing, remember if there were any scents in the air, or tastes in your mouth. Lean back and go deep, and feel yourself in that special place where you experienced those real feelings. Now reflect on how that experience compares to the night life. Good.. Now on a separate sheet of paper, list 5 things you have never done in your life that you have always wanted to do. Perhaps one is surfing, or another is sailing or maybe building a computer..whatever you write, those ideas are yours. Now compare those ideas to the needs you listed and ask yourself if I do these activities will my needs finally be met. You see, it’s often in the things we have always wanted to do / aspired to do where our needs become met. With that being said I now want you to swap a night of going out with a night that you go to bed early to enjoy the next day pursuing an activity on your list. Do this at least once for each activity you list. Can you handle the challenge? Because if you’re up for it, then get ready for your life to change, as you will know the benefits first hand. Sounds bold I know, but I also know it’s true.

On a personal note I think you deserve to be happy, and live a life having your needs met. Perhaps you always knew there was a way but no one ever really cared enough to guide you. Personally I’ve done the club scene, and still go to bars and clubs from time to time, and in my early 20’s I worked as a bartender and promoter so I know how easy it is to be seduced into the night life. I also know that most people who are in it are ‘stuck’. So hopefully for some of you my article has served on some level as inspiration to become free again - back to your true amazing self.

Remember - needs are eternal, they never go away and supplication to the night life is rarely an answer or a way to serve them.

~ Geoff

Geoff provides holistic Life Coaching, Business Coaching and NLP services.  Kamjah calls home: Miami - Palm Beach - Los Angeles - Boston